Bits & PiecesDelete

We’ve moved

Jonco — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 14:46:58 +0000

This blog was a temporary testing blog. It will not be updated.

The actual blog is here and is updated daily.

Why men are happier….

Jonco — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 23:07:00 +0000

Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Thanks Gary J

Bits & Pieces website update

Jonco — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 01:06:00 +0000

OK, here’s the scoop. I’ve set up a new website. I now need to customize it. I have tested it with a couple of posts and it seems to work, but it needs some fine tuning (logo, links, etc.)…. OK, quite a bit of fine tuning. I’m using WordPress and I had a hard time just getting it set up, but that seems to be done now. I know next to nothing about WordPress, so that’s making it a slow process. I actually had the site set up last night, but it took me a couple hours just to figure out how to get to the Dashboard and write a post. (Documentation is good once you already know how to do something.) Anyway, I’m past that now and just need to learn how to use the website software.

I’m not sure how long that fine-tuning will take. I’m working on a project for an organization I belong to that has to be done by Saturday and another for my business that is eating up my time too.

I have downloaded all the picturess from the old site to a hard drive here at Bits & Pieces headquarters, but I’m not sure that if I import the Blogger data (posts) that the pics will “line up” with the post automatically. I don’t think I can repost them manually. (There are 8,260 pics there.) We may just be starting from scratch. I’ll just have to see about that when I have the time.

I’ll try to at least make a couple posts a day here as I muddle through this. I appreciate your patience and really appreciate all the kind words you’ve said about Bits & Pieces.

Stay tuned……

One-liners

Jonco — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:46:00 +0000

Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

via

A few jokes by Jim

Jonco — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:42:00 +0000

Children are afraid of clowns because of the excessive makeup. However, kids still seem to like watching “American Idol” with Ryan Seacrest.

Hillary Clinton says she would prefer to compete on “Dancing With the Stars” to any other reality show. Right now she is more concerned with making Barack Obama “The Biggest Loser”.

Spider-Man’s marriage has fallen apart after more than 20 years in the latest Marvel Comic. Apparently he ignored his wife and spent too much time on the web.

Scientists in Hungary say they have developed a “dog translator” that can decode dogs’ barks and growls. So far they have come up with several translations, including “I’m going to smell that other dog’s butt”, “I need to get a drink. Where’s the toilet?” and “I’ve only slept 12 hours today. Time for a nap.”

A Canadian woman underwent surgery to stop her from having seizures every time she listened to her favorite music. In the 70s we called that “dancing”.

Lindsay Lohan will have to work at a morgue as part of her sentence for DUI. She will be taking care of several stiffs at a time. Or as she likes to call it, “Saturday night”.

A Kentucky woman has been arrested for trying to kill her husband by putting rat poison on a McDonald’s McChicken sandwich. Apparently the sandwich by itself was just a little too slow.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff wants tougher ID rules for people entering the U.S. from Canada. Along the Mexico border, guards have been instructed to yell “Hey you!” a little louder.

Former World Chess Champion Bobby Fischer died at age 64. He became interested in chess at a young age, and later exhibited signs of mental illness. The first symptom was an interest in chess at an early age.

Former Yankee Manager Joe Torre says nothing made him suspicious about either Andy Pettitte or Roger Clemens concerning performance enhancing drugs. Could it be on account of their combined 21-15 won-loss record along with ERAs of more than 4.00? That doesn’t scream steroid use. That sounds more like too many hamburgers.

More Jokes By Jim

20 websites than can change your life

Jonco — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:21:00 +0000

The internet has changed all of our lives, hopefully in a more positive direction. You can use these sites just for entertainment or you can use them to change your life. Many of them you visit all the time but it’s time to look at them another way and harness their power.

*These are in no particular order.

1 – Facebook – Facebook allows you to reconnect with old and new friends. In the case of Lori Haas, facebook helped Lori reunite with her son that she gave up for adoption when she was just 17. (Full Story)

2 – Myspace – This is the most popular social network on the web, even though it has the most spam. Some absolutely hate myspace, but others have used it to launch their careers. Many singers and musicians have achieved “overnight” success using the network. Like facebook you can connect with friends but myspace makes it easier for networking with people you don’t know and create new business contacts.

3 – Digg – many will agree with this choice, while others will strongly disagree. But Digg can open you up to a whole new realm of news. You can visit the homepage once a day and instantly become up to date on what’s going on in the world. You can use Digg to your advantage, find the latest trends in business or find articles on improving your life.

4 – Kiva – Kiva is a lending site that helps entrepreneurs in developing countries finance their ventures. It doesn’t take much to help someone out. By changing others you can change yourself.

5 – Lifehack.org – Lifehack can help you get things done. This blog has in depth articles on all things that do with productivity.

6 – YouTube – If you want to work in the entertainment industry, YouTube is a great way to get your feet wet and at a very low cost. You have an audience of millions of people at your disposal.

7 – Google – This is an obvious one. I really don’t know how we lived without Google in the early days of the internet.

8 – Twitter – Twitter may someday save lives by people quickly alerting others of dangerous situations to avoid. During the California fires, people used Twitter to let friends know that they were safe. You can also use Twitter as a way to help with your business networking by knowing where your business contacts are at.

9 – eBay – eBay can save you a lot of money but can also bring you immense opportunities. You can easily create an online business that reaches millions of buyers. Many people have very successful million dollar enterprises using ebay.

10 – Ancestry.com – This website can help you piece together your family history. By understanding the past your can change the future.

11 – Zen Habits – This blog is similar to Lifehack.org by offering simple productivity to get the most of your life.

12 – Craigslist – You can find almost anything on Craigslist. It’s a simple site but can simply change your life.

13 – Post Secret – The Post Secret project shows you that we’re all very much the same. It can also show you that others may have worse problems than the ones your facing.

14 – LinkedIn – You can use LinkedIn to network with professionals from all areas of business including Fortune 500 companies.

15 – TED.com – This website is full of various videos from TED conferences and has biographies on some of the greatest thinkers of present time. Presentations from successful people such as Tony Robbins, Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos, Bono, Seth Godin, and Jane Goodall. Most videos are a few minutes long but can empower you for years to come.

16 – Wikipedia – Not everything on Wikipedia is accurate but there is so much information on almost every topic possible. Don’t know about something, just look it up on Wikipedia and within a few minutes you can be informed.

17 – The Fastlane to Millions – This is a relatively new and small forum for those who are or aspire to be entrepreneurs and millionaires. The members are very positive and want to help each other get the most out of life.

18 – Second Life – This virtual world may seem like a virtual waste of time but some people such as Anshe Chung have found opportunities limitless on Second Life. Anshe has become a millionaire by buying and selling virtual real estate.

19 – Quoteland – You can visit Quoteland and read hundreds of quotes that will give you a fresh perspective and change your life in minutes. If you have an open mind.

20 – 43 Things – 43 Things can be a great way to achieve your goals. You can post your dreams and aspirations for all to see. Having that type of pressure can be very positive for you, helping you continue till you reach your goals.

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Blondes by degree….

Jonco — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:15:00 +0000

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’
The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’
The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’
The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, … I know ‘em all.’
A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?’
The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy . it’s W.’

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: ‘Is it mine?’

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, ‘That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .’

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’

Thanks Joe P

Hosting problem update

Jonco — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 11:41:00 +0000

As most of you know by now the pictures are no longer viewable. I’m working on creating a new site.

Stay tuned.

At the nursing home…

Jonco — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:43:00 +0000

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandmas Yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There isn’t no way you can guess it, you old Fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old Ladies happily yelled in unison– “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

Thanks Gene

A panda walks into a cafe….

Jonco — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:40:00 +0000

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

“Why?” asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

“Well, I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.”

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