September 30, 2006
A few good golf quotes….
1. Winston Churchill: “Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.”
2. Jack Benny: “Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.”
3. Lee Trevino: “You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.”
4 Unknown: ”Golf is not a game, it’s bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.”
5. Hank Aaron: “It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”
6. Lee Trevino: “Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.”
7. Lee Trevino: “I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.”
8. Sam Snead: “These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.”
9. Paul Harvey: “Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.”
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: “They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that’s wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don’t have to walk any extra distance to get it.”
11. Tommy Bolt: “Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet.”
12. Jimmy Demaret: “Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.”
13. Jack Lemmon: “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.”
14. Lee Trevino: “If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.”
15. Unknown: “Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it’s called the PGA Tour.”
16. John Updike: “Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.”
17. “Silk Stockings” TV Show: “The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.”
18. Gerald Ford: “I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.”
19. P.G. Wodehouse: “The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.”
20. Bob Hope: “If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.”
21. Ken Harrelson: “In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.”
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: “The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.”
23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: “After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.”
24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high- volume, tempermental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: “I’d say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir.” “A 3- iron or a wedge?” asked Bolt. “What kind of stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?” “Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir.” said the caddie.
Scavenger hunt
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. “Lady,” one of them explained, “we’re on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.”
“Wow,” the woman replied. “Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?”
“Our baby-sitter’s boyfriend.” the boys replied.
Hangover cures
Here are just a few from the list….
- peel a goat’s head and put it in a pot, covering it with water. Add vegetables and spices appealing to your taste and boil it for four to twelve hours. To cure your hangover, drink the broth then crack the goat skull open and eat the brain
- lime juice popsicles
- a pint of cold yogurt mixed with a pint of cold water till thoroughly blended. Now drnk it.
- stick a lemon slice in your armpit or better yet in your ass
- beer mixed with clam juice
- pickled tomatoes washed down by the brine they were pickled in.
- two drops of tobasco on your tongue tip followed by the baby formula Pedialyte.
- get two bananas and two cans of your favorite cola. Immediately after you wake up, eat a banana as fast as you can and do ten jumping jacks. Then, quickly, drink one can of cola, slamming it without stopping, followed by five more jumping jacks. Repeat with the second banana and second cola.
- drink one glass of cold milk, then eat five teaspoons of ketchup and some tobasco hot sauce.
- eat raw cabbage, pickled pigs feet and drink a diet cola…near a bucket…if you know what we mean
- eat a pickled sheep’s eye in a glass of tomato juice.
I think I’d just prefer the hangover.
A lesson in economics…. by Pete Rose
Some time ago Pete Rose signed a bunch of baseballs with the inscription “I’m sorry I bet on baseball.” According to media reports, he gave these balls to friends and never intended them to be sold for profit.
But the estate of one of the collectors who received the ball decided to put 30 of them up for auction. There was speculation that these balls would sell for a huge amount of money.
That is when Pete Rose stepped in and delivered one of the fundamental lessons in economics: as long as there are close substitutes available, prices can’t get too high.
He is now selling them on his website for $299. This has killed the idea of an entrepreneur making big bucks from them….. and Rose makes money.
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Top ten all time best pop sing-a-long songs
Whether its in the car listening to the radio, at a sports event, in a bar, or in the shower, one of the great things about pop music is it invites you to sing along. Some songs clearly are better than others for singing along, and it takes some time for a pop song to establish itself as a clear favorite. Read on for your guide’s picks of the best of the best in singalong favorites.
1) Baha Men – Who Let the Dogs Out
2) Beatles – Hey Jude
3) Bee Gees – Stayin’ Alive
4) Whitney Houston – I Will Always Love You
5) Tommy James and the Shondells – Mony Mony
6) Joan Jett and the Blackhearts – I Love Rock and Roll
7) Don McLean – American Pie
Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody
9) Santana Featuring Rob Thomas – Smooth
10) Village People – YMCA
For details on these selections click here
